It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 2: Must See TV?

The Boss still doesn't see the issue with Kermit's situation, so Daniel the Angel tells her to watch some more.  That was a pointless interlude.

Kermit consults with Dr. Bunsen who, by way of a needless Beautiful Mind parody (in which they actually use the phrase "a beautiful mind" in case you didn't catch the joke), determines that in order raise enough money to settle the debt, it would take a miracle.  Basically, it's an impossible feat.

So, was this part necessary?

Kermit rallies the gang and tells them that in order to successfully put on a show that could raise enough money, everyone would have to forgo their paychecks.  Everyone, save for Miss Piggy, decides that the Muppet Theater is worth saving and agree to help Kermit put on the best show possible.

Even Sam offers to stop taking Propecia to save money.  This movie!  What are you doing?!  Stahp!

Meanwhile, in the Bank of Evil, Rachel Bitterman promises Pepe sex in exchange for the knowledge about the existence of the theater's contract for payment.  The knowledge is that Pepe has given her the only copy.  Great.

This movie is making me sick now.

Oh, and Bitterman is going to tear down the theater and build some nightclub called "Club Dot," because of course she is!

Back at the theater, the Muppets start putting together a Christmas show that doesn't look half-bad.

Animal as the Little Drummer Boy?  I can't wait to see this!

But Kermit realizes that he still needs a celebrity guest star to draw in the big crowds.  This is just like The Muppets.  It's like they stole plotlines from the future!  After calling through the biggest stars of the day (Kelly Ripa, Molly Shannon, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog), Kermit comes up short with no takers, although the exchange with Triumph is golden.  He's says what we're all thinking.

Kermit decides that there is one more guest star he can try to get...Miss Piggy!  I...what?  What the heck?  How?  Why?  But she's a...!  And she left in the previous....!  You're hurting my brain, movie!

*Sigh*  So where's Piggy now?  Why, she's landed herself a guest spot on TV's hit new comedy, Scrubs!  As a corpse.  And this is the part where the movie seems to be hitting us over the head with the "Watch NBC!" message.  Earlier, the code to the Boss's area produced the NBC jingle, and now, we get a five minute commercial for Scrubs.  And yes, it did last almost a decade, but it is still such a dated synergy-tastic reference.  What if Scrubs had been cancelled that year?  I mean, I enjoy Scrubs, but it just feels horribly out of place.

I'm just bitter because Donald Faison wasn't featured in this glorified cameo.

Now is probably a good time to mention that It's a Very Merry Etc. went through a major script rewrite.  The original was written by Jim Lewis, a long time Henson writer who is responsible for some great material.  The second version was written by Tom Martin, a television sitcom writer who was brought in to make it more "television like."  And, boy, does it show.

Anyway, Kermit gets Piggy to agree to come back, meaning that subplot was pointless.

 Bill Lawrence, Scrubs creator, is also suffering.

Back at Bitterman's Lair, Pepe overhears Bitterman explaining to her idiot lackey that she is going to alter the only copy of the contract to change the deadline to 6pm as opposed to midnight, thus ruining the Muppets' chances of getting the money in on time.  And, because her manservant is thickheaded, she has to explain it several times slowly.  You know, when a movie or TV show does this, they are really doing it for the benefit of the "slower" members of the audience while disguising it as a "humorous" moment.  It's belittling.

I had the exact same issue with Of Mice and Men.

Back at the Muppet Theater, the show is about to start...which means it must be before 6pm.  Is this an afternoon show?  Odd.  Anyway, Kermit and the gang rejoice because they have managed to sell enough tickets to cover their debt!  Hooray!

Wait, I thought it would take a miracle to do that.  You're slipping again, movie continuity.

We raised all the money!  Everyone lived happily ever after!

As the show starts, Pepe runs in attempting to tell Kermit about Bitterman's ploy (which shouldn't matter anymore since they just raised all the money) but Kermit doesn't pay him any attention and the prawn gets dragged on stage by some rat-deers.

Somehow, I doubt things are going to get better for Kermit.  Tune in tomorrow as we see The Muppet Christmas Show, which spent 30 years in the making!

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 1: So Lamé

2002 was an odd time.  It had been 3 years since Muppets from Space and 5 years since the cancellation of Muppets Tonight.  The Muppets weren't really doing a whole lot at the time.  So, when a new Christmas movie was announced, I was excited.  When it became clear that it would be a made-for-TV movie, I was disappointed.  Oh mighty Muppets, how you have fallen.  Still, 3 years without Muppets was a long time so I tuned in.  And we got the wonderfully titled It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie.

Rolls right off the tongue.

Now, I just watched It's a Wonderful Life yesterday, so I'm going into this loose-Muppet-adaptation with validly high expectations.

As the opening credits roll (and we ignore the numerous celebrity cameos listed for now), we see the hustle and bustle of Christmas Eve evening.  Muppets and people share the streets as everyone finishes their last -minute shopping and revels in merriment.  This is a very Christmas-y opening, reminicent of various other movies and specials and, as if to drive the point home, a snowman comes in to start narrating the story.

Played by Wilford Brimley.

The snowman is quickly shooed away by the movie director because he's not actually a part of the film.  Funny stuff.  So far so good, movie.

We duck in on the Muppet Theater Christmas party which is strange because it seems to exist in a canon all its own.  This is implied to be the Muppet Theater from The Muppet Show, yet all of our Muppets Tonight friends are there.  What happened to the television studio?  Has the Muppet Theater been in operation all these years with the new cast included?  Apparently.

Anyway, more Christmas tropes are being squashed as three pairings of characters re-enact variations on The Gift of the Magi in less than 2 minutes.  Again, this is funny stuff.

Sal and Johnny's version is the best.  I dare not spoil it.

Kermit, meanwhile, walks through the party, obviously depressed.  Others try to include him in the Christmas cheer and he flips out at them.  This is a side of Kermit we have never seen before!  What could cause lovable, optimistic Kermit the Frog to becomes so jaded?  He walks out to a park bench and bemoans his life.  

Watch out Kermit, it's about to get a whole lot worse.

But all of this is being watched by an angel where...Oh no...This is it.  This is where the movie starts getting...annoying.

David Arquette (great guy, I'm sure) plays Guardian Angel Daniel.  As in It's a Wonderful Life, Daniel is supposed to help our hero see that his life has value and meaning.  But, this is a modern update.  So these angels work in cubicles and watch us on desktop computers.

And have jerk angel bosses played by William H. Macy.

Daniel overacts his way to the head Boss in order to ensure that Kermit doesn't kill himself.  The Boss (played by Whoopi Goldberg, which I'll admit, is a good choice) refuses to assist Daniel, claiming that Kermit always makes the right choice.  So Daniel has to show her what Kermit has gone through and prove that he is in need of celestial guidance, or else he'll be forced to covert her billions of vinyls into mp3's.

Don't mess with God.  She'll make dated references at you.

We rewind to see Kermit building excitement for The Muppet Christmas Show.  Now, this makes sense.  The Muppet Show never had a Christmas episode.  It would be a great way to reunite the gang and update the show (you know, before Jason Segel gets a chance to).  However, Kermit apparently was unaware of what exactly was going into his show because when he stops by the theater to watch the rehearsal, he finds guest director Luc Fromage (played by an irritating Matthew Lillard) showcasing his "masterpiece," "Cirque du So Lamé."

This is funny in theory, but horrible in execution.

Cirque du Soleil was huge when this film came out, so I understand the intention to parody it.  But that title irked me when I first saw it and it still irks me to this day.  Fromage insists that it is referring to the shiny fabric and no the concept of being "lame," which makes no sense because the pun only works if it is pronounced "lame."  I know that's the joke but it really bothered me.  Actually I think it was just the character of Fromage that bothered me.

Get out of our Muppet movie!

Anyway, Kermit agrees that this is a terrible concept and Fromage is fired.  In a bit of poor timing, an executor from the bank named Mrs. Bitterman (Joan Cusack) arrives to announced that unless the Muppets pay their rent by Christmas Eve, she will have to close the Muppet Theater.  She really amps up her evilness because that's how people tend to act nowadays when they find themselves in a Muppet movie.  Now the Muppets realize that they must pull off one spectacular show in order to raise enough money, but they have nothing to work with.

Mrs. Bitterman chides them for working solely for dreams and Pepe the Prawn agrees with her logic and leaves the Muppets to join her (and possibly sleep with her).

At least he makes a great joke as he exits:

"I like my coffee like I like my women -- a latte!"

Check in later to see whether or not the Muppets can save the theater and this movie.