It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 5: Every One Matters

Kermit rushes back to the mall to find Daniel so he can return to his own world.  Instead he finds Gonzo, singing about his Christmas woes.  But Kermit reminds him to lift up his spirits because he  has learned that "Everyone Matters."  The lyrics are a little too on the nose, but it's pleasant.  So let's just listen to the instrumental version and imagine Gonzo and Kermit are singing nice things about friends.

Isn't this nice?

After Gonzo leaves, Daniel sends Kermit back to his own world (after a brief misstep) and Kermit happily runs back to his friends, just happy that he can share the world with them, regardless of whether they keep the theater or not.

Merry Christmas, you old savings and loans!

Kermit reconnects with all of his friends, kissing Miss Piggy forgiving Fozzie's mistake.  Unfortunately, Ms. Bitterman comes back to gloat and kick the Muppets out of the theater.  After a *sigh* kung-fu fight between Piggy and Bitterman, Pepe arrives to reveal that, with the money given to him by Ms. Bitterman, he bought a permit that declares the theater to be a historical landmark that must never be destroyed.

Oh no!  What will happen to Club Dot?!

Bitterman leaves in a huff, Bobo announces that it's snowing, and the whole crew rushes out to sing Christmas carols and be happy together.

The magic was in them all along!

Daniel and the Boss summarize the lesson of the movie which brings us to the end! Merry Christmas!

This film...was not as awful as I had remembered.  It's clearly not up to par with any of the theatrical releases (Muppets from Space, aside), but it isn't an absolute travesty.  The main issues come from the fact that there was clearly a better original script that aimed for a feature film debut and it had to get "dumbed down" for television.

First, let's just get this out of the way.  This is essentially the same movie as The Muppets.  The Muppets is far superior, but we must remember that this came out a decade earlier and, thus, should be able to stand on its own merits.

Where This Movie Went Wrong:

1) It's Not Timeless.  The celebrity cameos and pop culture references were added to the script without longevity in mind.  This is fine for television.  We look to TV shows to relate with us in the moment.  We see one episode and then we are done with it and move on.  This is necessary because the characters are also growing and moving on.  It makes sense for them to talk about the present and make quick jokes without staying power.  For a film, a grander approach must be taken.  This is something that future generations may inevitable want to watch.  It should be welcoming to them and not restricting.  This film reeks of 2002 the way Muppets from Space reeked of 1999.

2) Shameless NBC Plugs.  Even when the film poked fun at itself for doing it, it was still annoying and took me out of the film.  By constantly reminding me, "You are watching NBC," I wanted to change the channel...on my DVD.  I guess this was necessary for budgetary reasons, but it could have been handled better than "Let's watch Scrubs!  Let's watch Fear Factor!"

3) It Forgets Its Original Purpose of Being a Parody.  The opening sequence hints at the movie we were supposed to be getting.  This was The Muppet Christmas Show and it was going to spoof as many Christmas movies and Christmas specials as possible.  But, aside from the  It's a Wonderful Life plot and the references crammed into the beginning, there is very little reminder of that tone.  Had it fully embraced this endeavor, this could have been another Christmas classic, destined for repeated airings each holiday season.

4) It Strangely Misses the Point of It's a Wonderful Life.  Despite talking about how friends and family are the most important aspect of Christmas, there isn't a moment at the end to signify that (Pepe's brief redemption aside).  When George Bailey returns to his life in Bedford Falls, he is greeted with confirmation that the time and effort he put into helping people has caused everyone to return the favor. Here, Kermit comes back and everyone hugs him and...Bitterman still comes in like a big bully.  Piggy briefly fights her and Pepe has his little ruse, but the point is that EVERYONE should be helping Kermit at this point.  Fozzie!  Gonzo!  Everyone!  Quit sitting on your hands and do something!

5) Joan Cusack, I Love Ya, But Ms. Bitterman is Not a Classic Muppet Villain.  Ever since Muppet Treasure Island, the Muppet films have struggled to hit that balance of what makes a great foil to the Muppets.  Yes, they have to be more cartoonish than the average person, but they also have to be believable and fun.  Bitterman has some great insults, but they aren't really part of her character.  Charles Grodin, Tim Curry, even Mel Brooks's over-the-top mad scientist.  They were clearly having fun in their roles.  They enjoyed being evil.  Bitterman claims to enjoy being evil, but she just feels like she's filling a necessary role.

So, What Worked?

1) The Actual Muppet Christmas Show.  We only got to see two acts ("Moulin Scrooge" and Pepe's stand up) but they were both funny and memorable.  This was a chance to see a show we'd never gotten a chance to see.  Indulge a little bit.  Had they taken out a majority of the annoying references and replaced them with more Animal in a manger, they could have hit Christmas classic status.  What we saw was great.

2) The Emotional Moments.  It was hard to spot them with so much going on, but just about everything from the moment where Fozzie loses the money to Kermit's reunion with his friends was very strong.  Kermit's interactions with Fozzie, alternate Piggy, and alternate Gonzo were great moments that didn't have to really on humor to be entertaining.

3) Whoopi Goldberg as God.  I dunno, that just made sense to me.  If any celebrity would be looking out for the Muppets, it would be her.

4) Alternate Reality Sam the Eagle.  I'm a Sam fan.  His role as "Baron von Scrooge" was cut from the "Moulin Scrooge" segment, so let me enjoy the little time we spent with him.  Even if it wasn't technically him.

5) The Fact That I Find Myself Supporting the Film.  Sure, a lot of it didn't work.  But this repeated viewing has managed to charm me.  Maybe I'm just getting into the Christmas spirit.  But whatever it is, It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie is worth a revisit (or a first visit if you've never seen it).

Just make sure you have the ability to fast-forward.

Then you can play God from your couch!

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 4: Alternate Realities

Kermit makes one last attempt to plead with Bitterman to reconsider her dastardly deed, but she shuts him down, hammering home the point that Kermit's foolish quest to follow his dreams has not only ruined his life, but the lives of his friends.

We cut back to the beginning of the film with Kermit alone on the snowy bench, and Whoopi God decides to send Daniel the Angel down to assist Kermit.

For some reason, he's dressed like an ice cream man from Hello Dolly.

Kermit is initially skeptical that Daniel can help him, and figures that he is only aware of his problems due to the fact that he probably runs a Muppet fansite.  On behalf of Muppet fansites, such as Tough Pigs, The Muppet Mindset, and Muppet Wiki, thanks for the shout out, movie.

Kermit concludes that he should have never been born (and goes a little overboard with his conviction) forcing Daniel to alter the universe to show what the world would have been like without Kermit.

Well, first, they must travel by way of pop culture references.

Kermit and Daniel end up in the middle of Bitterman Plaza, a mall that has replaced the park that once housed a Kermit statue with a quote from "The Rainbow Connection."  Now, everything is a big commercialized Christmas!

The horror!

Kermit is about to meet alternate versions of his Muppet friends, and I think it would behoove us to examine these new iterations on the plausibility scale.

Alternate Gonzo:  A homeless busker who attempts to earn money with "Amy the Dancing Brick"

Plausibility: 80%

If we are accepting The Muppet Movie as canon (which this movie claims to be doing), Gonzo would be back in the midwest running his plumbing business with Camilla.  However, assuming that he made it out to LA to pursue his dreams, Gonzo definitely would end up on the street, without his Muppet support system.

Alternate Rizzo:  A prop/meal in NBC's sadistic Fear Factor

Plausibility:  40%

 Rizzo's origin is a little confusing, since Muppet rats just sort of showed up at the theater.  Rizzo's "official" introduction was in The Muppets Take Manhattan as a waiter.  Had he remained in New York, it seems unlikely he'd appear in LA for the filming of Fear Factor.  The reason I'm giving this so much weight is because it gets me through these obnoxious NBC crossovers.

Alternate Doc Hopper:  A popular fast-food chain owner

Plausibility:  99%

Despite not appearing in this film, Doc Hopper's influence comes back in a big way, having covered the nation with his frog killing restaurants.  Nice callback.

Alternate Electric Mayhem:  An Irish stepdancing team called "O'Mayhem Celtic Troupe"

Plausibility:  2%

No.  This makes no sense.  It's an amusing joke for a second, but it doesn't take any of the members' personalities into account.

Alternate Dr. Bunsen:  Hipster doorman at Bitterman's Club Dot

Plausibility:  10%

Bunsen is a man of science.  Only Andie MacDowell could make him behave this way.

Alternate Sam the Eagle:  Glow-stick-waving, pacifier-sucking raver at Club Dot

Plausibility:  100%

It would explain so much.  The very existence of the Muppets has been keeping him so repressed...

Alternate Scooter:  Cage dancer at Club Dot

Plausibility:  0%

Scooter's uncle owned the Muppet Theater, meaning that he would have been the one who Bitterman bought it from.  And since his uncle was greedy, he would have happily turned it over.  Scooter would have gone elsewhere.  Thanks for this horrible image, movie.

Alternate Johnny Fiama:  Bartender at Club Dot

Plausibility:  30%

Why are so many Muppets drawn to Club Dot?  Is this supposed to imply that the Muppet Theater is some sacred ground that telepathically attracts Muppets to it, no matter the dimension?

Alternate Waldorf and Statler:  Deadbeat barflies

Plausibility:  20%

I guess this is supposed to mean that the Muppets give these two purpose, despite their negativity, but you just know that without the Muppets, they'd be harassing some children's birthday clowns or some other form of innocent entertainment.

Alternate Robin:  Busboy at Club Dot

Plausibility:  90%

Originally, I was going to put this as an impossibility, but it strikes me that Robin is virtually the same in this universe as he is in the other.  I could imagine that without Kermit, he would have been the first frog to leave the swamp for greater things, but, being so young and naive, ended up here, struggling to do the right thing every day.

Alternate Beaker:  Bodyguard at Club Dot

Plausibility:  100%

Without Bunsen to push him around, Beaker would become a force to be reckoned with.  Also, this is a great visual and auditory joke.

Alternate Fozzie:  Homeless pickpocket

Plausibility:  75%

To me, this is the saddest moment of the film.  There's a chance that Fozzie is the same old nice bear that he always was.  But, without Kermit's help, he had no chance in LA.  As seen earlier in the film, we know that Fozzie would do anything for his friends.  Since he never met Kermit, he never had any friends and learned only to care about himself.

Alternate Piggy:  Struggling actress/fake hotline psychic

Plausibility:  100%

The move sets this up to be the most distressing change of the new world.  Miss Piggy, after having won Miss Bogen County as in The Muppet Movie travelled to LA thinking she'll remain on top of the world.  But without that Muppet support group, she had no place in the city.  A nice touch is that the moment she sees Kermit, she gets that "love at first sight" twinkle in her eye that she got when she met him in The Muppet Movie and The Great Muppet Caper.  She doesn't understand what it means at this moment, but tries to masquerade as someone more important than she is, even though Kermit is just a stranger to her.  This forces Kermit to be the one to highlight her positive qualities, admitting to himself that she is special.

But unfortunately, this only serves to upset the woman, as she drives Kermit away so she can have her annual Christmas cry.

Thankfully, we don't have to stay in this world too much longer.  Check back later to see the conclusion to It's a Wonderful Frog.

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 3: Spot the Reference!

The Muppet Christmas Show is about to begin.  After asking the audience to silence their cell phones (in which the joke is that everyone has a cell phone to turn off, my what a difference 10 years makes), the show begins proper with an extended Moulin Rouge! parody.

I feel stupid and contagious.  Here we are now.  Merry Christmas.

I have very mixed feelings about this segment.  First, it has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  It is just a very obvious attempt to be current and hip and, like so much of the film, instantly dates the movie.  That being said...it is a great moment.  You may disagree, but I think, by itself, it's brilliant.

The casting of Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, and Fozzie is perfect.  It's almost as if the original were made just so the Muppets could spoof it.

Robin as the Green Absinthe Fairy is...a little unsettling.

The moment when all the chickens come out as the female dancers and the penguins come out as the tuxedoed patrons clucking and quacking their songs is inspired.  And when Piggy cuts through the chaos to reprimand everyone for singing their songs at the same time, I'm reminded that there is still something to be salvaged within this film.  This is funny material.  Too bad the Muppet viral videos didn't exist at this point, because these five minutes deserve their own separate showcase.

Whether you love or hate Moulin Rouge!, you'll enjoy "Moulin Scrooge."

Unfortunately, the bit ends and Pepe finally gets an opportunity to inform Kermit about the contract switch.  Kermit decides to run the bag of ticket sales over to the Bitterman Bank immediately, but Fozzie decides he should do it instead of Kermit (and instead of performing his stand-up routine).  This is a questionable decision that will only lead to bad things, but logic doesn't matter when the story has to continue.

Pepe fills in for Fozzie, creating an interesting moment where a modern Muppet is recreating a classic act.  Pepe's accent prevents him from getting his jokes across, leading Waldorf and Statler to give him a heckling filled with shrimp-puns.  It works.  It took a while, but the the quality of the film is vastly improving.

Then we get to the Fozzie-delivery sequence.  We know that something has to go wrong, but it can at least be interesting and entertaining, right?  Well, first, Fozzie runs into a Steve-Irwin-like character who wants to capture him.

This moment won't seem awkward, tasteless, and annoying in the future, right?

Fortunately, Fozzie manages to evade the tracker by getting himself painted green and blending in with the Christmas trees.

Good.  That's over with.

Unfortunately, Fozzie runs into a charity Santa Claus and switches bags with the man.  Even worse, Fozzie now ends up looking like the Grinch, prompting the Whos from the 2000 film version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas to chase him down for being that "green guy who stole Christmas."  This is so dumb.  If they have to explain their own reference, it's not worth it.

The joke is self-explanatory.  Just let it be.

Fortunately, Fozzie gets the paint washed off and makes his way to Bitterman's office.  I mean, we know it's not going to end well, since the bags were switched, but at least the movie gets funny again.  After a humorous exchange with a security guard, Fozzie makes his way to Bitterman's floor which is guarded by lasers.

Bitterman hates visitors.

I was fearing another unoriginal movie reference during this segment, but I was pleasantly surprised by the tactics Fozzie used to get through the lasers.  It's completely in character and a twist on the old "laser room" cliche.

Of course, all of Fozzie's efforts are for naught since the bag is filled with junk.  Bitterman gleefully kicks Fozzie out of her office and evil prevails.  Back at the post-show Christmas party, a drunk Scooter hits on the female Whatnot Muppets as Kermit searches for Fozzie.

Bringing Scooter out of retirement for this?  Don't worry, he'll suffer a much worse fate.

Kermit finds a broken Fozzie and realizes that the money and the theater have been lost.

A genuinely sad moment in this haphazard movie.

Kermit flips out at Fozzie (echoing It's a Wonderful Life where George Bailey flips out at his uncle for losing the money and ruining the whole business) and it's really heartbreaking to see Kermit so mad and Fozzie so guilt-ridden.  Not even a nearby Christmas Story reference can lighten the mood.

Well, it helps a little.

Up next, Kermit accepts that he has completely failed when fate intervenes.

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 2: Must See TV?

The Boss still doesn't see the issue with Kermit's situation, so Daniel the Angel tells her to watch some more.  That was a pointless interlude.

Kermit consults with Dr. Bunsen who, by way of a needless Beautiful Mind parody (in which they actually use the phrase "a beautiful mind" in case you didn't catch the joke), determines that in order raise enough money to settle the debt, it would take a miracle.  Basically, it's an impossible feat.

So, was this part necessary?

Kermit rallies the gang and tells them that in order to successfully put on a show that could raise enough money, everyone would have to forgo their paychecks.  Everyone, save for Miss Piggy, decides that the Muppet Theater is worth saving and agree to help Kermit put on the best show possible.

Even Sam offers to stop taking Propecia to save money.  This movie!  What are you doing?!  Stahp!

Meanwhile, in the Bank of Evil, Rachel Bitterman promises Pepe sex in exchange for the knowledge about the existence of the theater's contract for payment.  The knowledge is that Pepe has given her the only copy.  Great.

This movie is making me sick now.

Oh, and Bitterman is going to tear down the theater and build some nightclub called "Club Dot," because of course she is!

Back at the theater, the Muppets start putting together a Christmas show that doesn't look half-bad.

Animal as the Little Drummer Boy?  I can't wait to see this!

But Kermit realizes that he still needs a celebrity guest star to draw in the big crowds.  This is just like The Muppets.  It's like they stole plotlines from the future!  After calling through the biggest stars of the day (Kelly Ripa, Molly Shannon, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog), Kermit comes up short with no takers, although the exchange with Triumph is golden.  He's says what we're all thinking.

Kermit decides that there is one more guest star he can try to get...Miss Piggy!  I...what?  What the heck?  How?  Why?  But she's a...!  And she left in the previous....!  You're hurting my brain, movie!

*Sigh*  So where's Piggy now?  Why, she's landed herself a guest spot on TV's hit new comedy, Scrubs!  As a corpse.  And this is the part where the movie seems to be hitting us over the head with the "Watch NBC!" message.  Earlier, the code to the Boss's area produced the NBC jingle, and now, we get a five minute commercial for Scrubs.  And yes, it did last almost a decade, but it is still such a dated synergy-tastic reference.  What if Scrubs had been cancelled that year?  I mean, I enjoy Scrubs, but it just feels horribly out of place.

I'm just bitter because Donald Faison wasn't featured in this glorified cameo.

Now is probably a good time to mention that It's a Very Merry Etc. went through a major script rewrite.  The original was written by Jim Lewis, a long time Henson writer who is responsible for some great material.  The second version was written by Tom Martin, a television sitcom writer who was brought in to make it more "television like."  And, boy, does it show.

Anyway, Kermit gets Piggy to agree to come back, meaning that subplot was pointless.

 Bill Lawrence, Scrubs creator, is also suffering.

Back at Bitterman's Lair, Pepe overhears Bitterman explaining to her idiot lackey that she is going to alter the only copy of the contract to change the deadline to 6pm as opposed to midnight, thus ruining the Muppets' chances of getting the money in on time.  And, because her manservant is thickheaded, she has to explain it several times slowly.  You know, when a movie or TV show does this, they are really doing it for the benefit of the "slower" members of the audience while disguising it as a "humorous" moment.  It's belittling.

I had the exact same issue with Of Mice and Men.

Back at the Muppet Theater, the show is about to start...which means it must be before 6pm.  Is this an afternoon show?  Odd.  Anyway, Kermit and the gang rejoice because they have managed to sell enough tickets to cover their debt!  Hooray!

Wait, I thought it would take a miracle to do that.  You're slipping again, movie continuity.

We raised all the money!  Everyone lived happily ever after!

As the show starts, Pepe runs in attempting to tell Kermit about Bitterman's ploy (which shouldn't matter anymore since they just raised all the money) but Kermit doesn't pay him any attention and the prawn gets dragged on stage by some rat-deers.

Somehow, I doubt things are going to get better for Kermit.  Tune in tomorrow as we see The Muppet Christmas Show, which spent 30 years in the making!

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Part 1: So Lamé

2002 was an odd time.  It had been 3 years since Muppets from Space and 5 years since the cancellation of Muppets Tonight.  The Muppets weren't really doing a whole lot at the time.  So, when a new Christmas movie was announced, I was excited.  When it became clear that it would be a made-for-TV movie, I was disappointed.  Oh mighty Muppets, how you have fallen.  Still, 3 years without Muppets was a long time so I tuned in.  And we got the wonderfully titled It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie.

Rolls right off the tongue.

Now, I just watched It's a Wonderful Life yesterday, so I'm going into this loose-Muppet-adaptation with validly high expectations.

As the opening credits roll (and we ignore the numerous celebrity cameos listed for now), we see the hustle and bustle of Christmas Eve evening.  Muppets and people share the streets as everyone finishes their last -minute shopping and revels in merriment.  This is a very Christmas-y opening, reminicent of various other movies and specials and, as if to drive the point home, a snowman comes in to start narrating the story.

Played by Wilford Brimley.

The snowman is quickly shooed away by the movie director because he's not actually a part of the film.  Funny stuff.  So far so good, movie.

We duck in on the Muppet Theater Christmas party which is strange because it seems to exist in a canon all its own.  This is implied to be the Muppet Theater from The Muppet Show, yet all of our Muppets Tonight friends are there.  What happened to the television studio?  Has the Muppet Theater been in operation all these years with the new cast included?  Apparently.

Anyway, more Christmas tropes are being squashed as three pairings of characters re-enact variations on The Gift of the Magi in less than 2 minutes.  Again, this is funny stuff.

Sal and Johnny's version is the best.  I dare not spoil it.

Kermit, meanwhile, walks through the party, obviously depressed.  Others try to include him in the Christmas cheer and he flips out at them.  This is a side of Kermit we have never seen before!  What could cause lovable, optimistic Kermit the Frog to becomes so jaded?  He walks out to a park bench and bemoans his life.  

Watch out Kermit, it's about to get a whole lot worse.

But all of this is being watched by an angel where...Oh no...This is it.  This is where the movie starts getting...annoying.

David Arquette (great guy, I'm sure) plays Guardian Angel Daniel.  As in It's a Wonderful Life, Daniel is supposed to help our hero see that his life has value and meaning.  But, this is a modern update.  So these angels work in cubicles and watch us on desktop computers.

And have jerk angel bosses played by William H. Macy.

Daniel overacts his way to the head Boss in order to ensure that Kermit doesn't kill himself.  The Boss (played by Whoopi Goldberg, which I'll admit, is a good choice) refuses to assist Daniel, claiming that Kermit always makes the right choice.  So Daniel has to show her what Kermit has gone through and prove that he is in need of celestial guidance, or else he'll be forced to covert her billions of vinyls into mp3's.

Don't mess with God.  She'll make dated references at you.

We rewind to see Kermit building excitement for The Muppet Christmas Show.  Now, this makes sense.  The Muppet Show never had a Christmas episode.  It would be a great way to reunite the gang and update the show (you know, before Jason Segel gets a chance to).  However, Kermit apparently was unaware of what exactly was going into his show because when he stops by the theater to watch the rehearsal, he finds guest director Luc Fromage (played by an irritating Matthew Lillard) showcasing his "masterpiece," "Cirque du So Lamé."

This is funny in theory, but horrible in execution.

Cirque du Soleil was huge when this film came out, so I understand the intention to parody it.  But that title irked me when I first saw it and it still irks me to this day.  Fromage insists that it is referring to the shiny fabric and no the concept of being "lame," which makes no sense because the pun only works if it is pronounced "lame."  I know that's the joke but it really bothered me.  Actually I think it was just the character of Fromage that bothered me.

Get out of our Muppet movie!

Anyway, Kermit agrees that this is a terrible concept and Fromage is fired.  In a bit of poor timing, an executor from the bank named Mrs. Bitterman (Joan Cusack) arrives to announced that unless the Muppets pay their rent by Christmas Eve, she will have to close the Muppet Theater.  She really amps up her evilness because that's how people tend to act nowadays when they find themselves in a Muppet movie.  Now the Muppets realize that they must pull off one spectacular show in order to raise enough money, but they have nothing to work with.

Mrs. Bitterman chides them for working solely for dreams and Pepe the Prawn agrees with her logic and leaves the Muppets to join her (and possibly sleep with her).

At least he makes a great joke as he exits:

"I like my coffee like I like my women -- a latte!"

Check in later to see whether or not the Muppets can save the theater and this movie.