Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Fascinating Species of Sesame Street: Grouches

Scientific Classification:

Animalia Chordata Mammalia Primates Hominidae Monstrum Grouchus

Anatomy and Physiology:

To the layman, a Grouch is indistinguishable from any other monster on Sesame Street.  But there are key characteristics that help set Grouches apart.  They all lack visible noses, sport thick unibrows, and possess flatter craniums than the round-headed monsters.  In addition, their unhygienic lifestyle results in matted fur, with unkempt hair and dingy colors.  They also carry a permanent scowl on their face, due to their outlook on life.

A group of grouches.

A Grouch who spends enough time covered in filth will have the color of his coat change to a dismal green shade.  This can help you spot which Grouches live in the dirtiest environment.

World famous Oscar the Grouch was originally orange when he moved to Sesame Street.


Grouches are attracted to the foulest parts of the world, wear pests and vermin reside.  Trashcans, dumpsters, landfills, and wastelands provide them with the rotten sustenance they need to survive.  Cities that are plagued with pollution and pestilence are hotbeds for Grouch activity.

There is also a subterranean world known as Grouchland which exists as an inverse of life on the surface of the Earth.  Grouches are the main species here, although humans also inhabit this land.  In Grouchytown, there is a local human known as "Nina the Nice," who is the necessary positive force that keeps it running (much in the same way that Oscar the Grouch stays negative on Sesame Street).

She is just as unwelcome there as Oscar is upstairs.

Grouchytown and the surrounding Grouchland can be accessed via portals found in the bottom of any trash can.  Like the Snuffleupagas tunnels, it is unclear how vast this system actually spreads, and it is unknown whether each country has its own Grouch-run area.

Despite being underground, a smoggy sky is visible.  And it is possible to drive there.


A Grouch is just that.  Every negative emotion a person can experience is what a Grouch expereiences daily.  They exist in a paradoxical state, enjoying the aspects of life that humans hate.  Their pleasure arises from displeasure.  They find comfort in discomfort.  One could consider them optimistic, if they weren't so pessimistic.  By appreciating the despicable, Grouches show that they are capable of morality and even love.  Allowing a Grouch to discuss his passion can make him more genial and agreeable.

In a rare moment, a happy Grouch sings "I Love Trash."  Everyone has their weakness.

Although Grouches produce offspring like other species, there are some hints that a human can become a Grouch over time, based on their lifestyle and attitude.  For example, Vincent von Grouch is nearly human in appearance, but he lives exactly like a Grouch, suggesting that the two species are not too different from one another.

Perhaps the earliest Grouches evolved from humans.  There are no fossil records of Grouches before 1969, and baby Grouches weren't observed until much later.  Every human has the potential of being a complete Grouch.  If they dwell on their negative side for too long, changes in their behavior can lead to biological abnormalities.  To avoid turning into a Grouch, be sure to keep your emotions in check.  It can start small, playing mean-spirited pranks or complaining about the weather.  But if you don't nip these feelings immediately, they can fester and grow into an uncontrollable power, transforming you completely. 

Not even the nicest man on Sesame Street is safe from succumbing to his inner Grouch.

If someone you love is showing signs of Grouchiness, please treat them with caution.  You do not want to aggravate or encourage the behavior.  Instead, remind them of the pleasantries of life.  And remember, it helps to stay clean.

Please, think of the children!

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